POPGEEK

Finally, something I can sink my teeth into…

It must suck to be a benchwarmer for the Tree Hill High Ravens.

“Kid, you’ve been a great team player–attending all the practices, doing all the laps, occupying the heavyset water girl while the starters hook up with cheerleaders. But tonight, in tribute to Q, we’re only starting four guys. Which means you still can’t play, and we will honor our dead teammate BY GUARANTEEING OUR LOSS. Now get out there–looks like Margaret’s gonna need some help getting the Gatorade jugs up onto the table again.”

I knew that Mick Wolf had to be somebody–he was not a good enough actor to be an actual actor–and sure enough, it’s freakin’ JOHN DOE.

Yes, THAT John Doe. The one from X. The world’s a mess; it’s in my kiss…sex once every hour…and now probably Peyton’s dad on One Tree Hill. From eternal cult hero status as one of the founding fathers of LA’s punk scene…

…to the CW. And perhaps most shocking: HE’S DONE THIS BEFORE. Remember Roswell? Yep, he was on that show too. I guess I don’t begrudge the guy a living, and if nothing else, it prompted me to listen to Los Angeles as I write this. “She wasn’t what you’d call living, really…”

And I cannot be the only viewer who wished Billy Zoom was playing Peyton’s dad instead; there’s even a family resemblance.

Creepiest guitar player EVER, I swear.

Let us consider for a moment the problem of Skills.

As a newer viewer, I’m having a hard time deciding if Antwon Taylor is a bad actor, or if he’s a really good actor bored to death and mildly offended by the borderline minstrel show he’s participating in every week.

So far this season, we’ve seen Q, a “troubled” black teen counseled by young and inexperienced white kids into liking Les Miserables, killed in a random convenience store hold-up…because if a black character’s gonna die, it’s got to be through crime-related violence.

Meanwhile, Skills is wrapped up in a relationship with Deb, a horny older woman…because if a black character’s not gonna die, he’s got to personify the stereotype of the virile, sexually proficient “stud.”

And of course, for as long as he’s been on the show, Taylor’s been forced to deliver dialogue written in some awful parody of how African-Americans talk, making him the Jar Jar Binks of One Tree Hill.

Does Antwon mumble his lines incoherently (and offer a dead man’s lifeless stare while doing it) because he’s disgusted by what he’s given to do and say, and he can’t get out of his contract? Or is he just done giving a shit, and he’s gonna ride the OTH gravy train (such as it is) until it crashes into the station and burns?

Again, can’t fault the guy for wanting to make a living–I bet he’s got a really nice house.

When is Brooke gonna get over this stupid attack and start living her life again? Oh, yeah–when she adopts Q’s little brother, who will probably be left motherless by another shooting in another convenience store.

This week’s Crazy Theory, from my sister-in-law, via my wife: The nutty nanny will make her move on Jamie and be critically injured by Dan while trying to save his grandson, leaving Dan with no choice but to CLAIM THE NANNY’S HEART AS HIS OWN.

(That’s another freebie, Schwann. You’re welcome.)